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Sunday, July 3rd, 2005
1:36 pm
I've disliked myself before, but I've never hated myself like this. I just want someone to talk to, but everyone either doesn't care, or thinks I had it coming, or tells me I'm just being a drama queen or it isn't my fault. But I just want someone who will sit down with me and say, YES, it is your fault. You did mess up, but you can fix this. You can fix yourself.

Sometimes I think that everyone has all of these little connections in their brain, like little wires, that makes them normal and right and moral. And somehow, I'm missing a bunch of these little connections, and I do all of these bad things because I'm programmed all wrong. And I'm so afraid that I'll never be able to fix them, that I'm just stuck this way for the rest of my life because somewhere along the line I lost something (or never had it to begin with) that was important.

I mean, my record has so much red ink on it it's not even funny. All I do is make mistakes, but no one will ever tell me that I do. So I go around talking like everyone's spiting me for no reason, that they're just angry with me because they're immature or stupid or whatever, but that's not it. It's me. I like to go around like I'm the baddest bitch, that I do what I want because I want, that I'm too good to follow rules about anything because I know how to break them and because I don't care what people think of me.

But, God, I DO care. I care so much it hurts. Because I'm in the middle of doing one of those things, and my brain is just going crazy and all I can think is this is wrong this is wrong this is wrong but then it's too late. And then it starts leaking back to me about how angry everyone is about it, and I just sit back and say NO, it's not ME, it's THEM because they're just pissed I got the upper hand. But I'm not mad at them-- I'm mad at myself for doing it in the first place, but I can't let people see that because then I'm, like, nothing. Because then there was no point in doing what I did in the first place.

I've been punishing myself. I don't go anywhere or do anything unless I can avoid certain people because this is my punishment. No one else will come up to me and say this is your fault and you should pay for it, so I'm just making myself pay for it in the only way I can. I want to go to college so bad because then I think, oh yes, the slate's clean, the mistakes don't matter, the score is 0-0 once again-- but what if that's not true? What if I go up there and I just start the whole sloppy cycle all over again? What if I'm the same stupid girl just somewhere else?

What if there is no place you can go where the mistakes don't matter?

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Monday, June 20th, 2005
10:51 am
Hey. I know I never update this thing anymore, but now I've actually got something to say, and I want other people's opinions. Right now, I am so disillusioned with love and relationships and all of that messy crap; the last six months of my life have been fucking miserable thanks to relationships and the stupid shit that comes with them. I don't want to be single for the rest of my life, but I can't trust anyone (including myself) to invest into a serious, committed relationship.

Why? Because I can't trust anyone. I don't understand how people find love (or extreme like, or whatever)--I mean, you can't trust what people say. You can't trust what people do. How can you possibly know that they really care about you, and just aren't using you to get something they want? Is there a signal? Is there some sign that people give when they really want you and not just for their own pleasure? I don't understand how people find good relationships. Am I missing something? Is there a radar or something that I don't have which makes me unable to sense when someone really cares about me? Or has no one really cared about me at all, in that sense, and I'm just grasping at straws to make myself feel better?

I don't know who I hate more right now-- everyone else, or just myself. I hate myself for getting involved in these situations, knowing what's going to happen, but being so desperate for some kind of connection that I'll settle for anything that comes along. But I hate everyone else for tempting me into this situations, and for encouraging me, and laughing them off or making me feel better about them-- I hate being manipulated, used, and deceived, and let me tell you, I have had that done to me so often in terms of relationships it's pretty much a habit. It's stupid for me to blame the rest of the world for my own idiocy, but I can't help but blame them a little just because they wanted me to get into those situations, to get what they wanted. I've been nothing but an object or a lousy substitute to every guy that I have ever been involved with, and now, I'm thinking that it's just how I'm meant to be, always.

But for some reason, I let myself be the substitute, the second place, the girl people want because they can't have the one they really want. Because I want to be first place so bad, I'll settle for the next best thing, which is (obviously) second place. I want to prove to myself that I can have a relationship, but obviously I can't, because if I could I wouldn't let myself settle over and over and over again. I'm tired of it, I'm tired of myself, I'm tired of guys and how they use and manipulate and never really care about it. I'm tired of guys propositioning me, and pushing me to the point that I just go along with it so they'll SHUT THE FUCK UP.

If I have to be single, sober, and alone for the rest of the damn summer, I will be, because right now I hate every guy out there who has ever propositioned me, or deliberately used me, or tricked me into thinking the connection was there when it was just a damn parody of one to begin with. I am tired of hating myself over this bullshit. I talked to someone at school, and they told me that even though my relationships have been bad and I've had my trust broken, I can't shut everyone off-- but it's too late, because that's what I do. I shut myself off so I don't have to worry about it happening again and again and again, because obviously I can't tell when I'm being used so it's better not to ever even let myself open up enough to be in that position.

I don't know why I'm typing all this, but I just have to tell someone and I figure this is the place to put it. I know I'm a horrible person; I obviously can't make wise relationship decisions, so I'm just not going to make them at all. I'll just have a default: NO. NO NONO NO. If I have to say no 2000000000000000902934 times this summer, I will do it because I am better than that and I am not going to keep repeating this vicious cycle until I've ruined myself.

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Sunday, March 20th, 2005
7:32 pm
By the time you swear you're his,
Shivering and signing,
And he vows his passion is
Infinite, undying--
Lady, make a note of this:
One of you is lying.
- Dorothy Parker

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Thursday, March 17th, 2005
9:31 pm
So i'm sitting here, wondering why I never really date anyone, and I think i've figured it out.

in all of my past almost-relationships, i've figured out the guy is attracted to me or we've hit it off or something. And then, naturally, we flirt and we hang out and we go out together and all of this stuff. but after a few dates, and once the guy is REALLY into me, it's like i get-- bored. I go from really wanting to date this guy to not being interested in him at all. I just like the chase, the challenge-- i like making a guy run after me because, well, i guess it makes me feel better about myself or something. it's selfish and stupid and-- it pisses me off that i feel this way, but it ALWAYS happens that way.

I feel like i'm destined to go from red-hot attraction to bored distinterest. and then there's the actual relationship-- i KNOW i'll cheat on someone. I mean, i've helped someone cheat before and it didn't really make me feel bad until the girl found out about it. so I figure if I'm with someone, and i find another really hot guy, I won't think twice to cheat on my boyfriend. and that's bitchy and horrible but i know me and I know what i'm prone to do.

basically, THIS is why my relationships are SHIT. thanks.

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Sunday, March 6th, 2005
3:47 pm
in a few hours, i'm OFF to Florida for the week!

i love you guys! be safe! miss me lots b/c I know i'm gonna be missing you too :)

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Thursday, March 3rd, 2005
7:56 pm
TO DO BY SUNDAY:
-study for Macbeth: Revisited (bitch!)
-finish drama sheet
-PACK FOR SENIOR TRIP WTF
-BUY PROM DRESS IN RALEIGH
-get a DAMN mani & pedi before sunday!
-get mom to get traveler's checks
-WATCH THE OC
-bitch and moan and complain a/b stupid stuff

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Sunday, February 27th, 2005
7:40 pm
NEW AOL SCREENAME: MPH 0506

because really, speedometer87?! WTF was i thinking?

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Friday, February 18th, 2005
7:37 pm
i'm putting this here for keepsake and because it makes me want to cry:

Walking away,
I'm not begging you to please let me stay
Wanna take a picture so you'll remember
me standing by this open door?
Does it make you feel better
If you tell yourself I never wanted to go?

someone signed on megha's name and it was in her info. the last two lines make me tear up like crazy.

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Thursday, February 17th, 2005
10:05 pm - good day
good day b/c:
1) no work in adv govt or acct
2) hanging out @ david's after school (bad angel = SO HOT)
3) parents gone-- house to myself
4) bowl of breyers fudge ripple ice cream
5) all my homework done early (by 10:00)
6) OC night (seth + summer = <3)
7) new Cosmo
8) tomorrow is FRIDAY

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Sunday, February 13th, 2005
8:26 pm
TO DO TODAY:
-work on annotated biblio
-work on calculus
-straighten up back room & desk
-remind mamma to get me a file cabinet tomorrow
-pick up parent's v-day cards
-make bags for kids
-try and watch Desperate Housewives

TO DO TOMORROW:
-NO CALC bitches!
-but still have to finish calc test
-go to work
-get frickin gas
-study for Macbeth (III & IV)

eh, not too bad. but OMG am so glad i didn't waste my time going to Carter's gay redneck party!
and OMG WTF if the phone rings ONE MORE TIME i'm going to take it and club someone with it!

p.s. Feeling SO MUCH BETTER-- FOOD POISONING = SUCK

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Friday, February 11th, 2005
9:25 am
April & I are best friends. we share everything.

including communicable diseases. UGH

current mood: SICK

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Saturday, February 5th, 2005
2:41 pm
HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY ERIKA

i waited until today b/c it's the day we're going to CELEBRATE hell yeah!
hope you had a great day and bought lots of cigarettes, but especially porn. you should buy a LOT OF PORN

love you girl!

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Monday, January 31st, 2005
8:50 pm
TOMORROW (2/1)
-get gas
-remember to grab season 2 dvds
-turn in activities sheet to mrs owen
-wal-mart for face wash
-library (emporia) to return book and get another
-tell casin: elton john, your song (?)
-get notes from end of act i & beginning of act ii; study for quiz
-also work on OMG WTF calculus and my gram/comp journal ("The Use of Sidewalks")


BUSY BUSY BUSY

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Wednesday, January 26th, 2005
7:55 pm
leaving tomorrow to go OMG skiing @ wintergreen for the weekend!
don't miss me TOO MUCH and be sure to call me b/c now my phone is fixed YAY!
catch you guys when i get back!

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Sunday, January 23rd, 2005
11:53 am
good morning. I would just like to tell everyone that my mother is the master of DUMB PLANNING. WTF?

okay, so i have to type of this thing of all my activities from 9-12 grade. so i say "MOM OMG why don't i just go to mrs owen and get my activities sheet and type it up at school that day?"

mom: OK uh NO
me: why not?
mom: b/c i said so. and b/c i want you to type it at home-- just do what you remember, then on monday, you can check it w/ the activities sheet.
me: WTF OMG it has to be TYPED so if i go to school and left out stuff then i have to retype it, thus it will be a MORE STUPID way of doing it my way. how is doing it half-ass then having to fix it quicker than doing it once the right way?
mom: OMG you are so RIGHT but i'm mom so i can never be wrong so OMG do it now MY WAY or NO SKI TRIP FOR YOU

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Saturday, January 22nd, 2005
4:03 pm
I WANT TO GO TO COLLEGE NOW NOW NOW

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Friday, January 21st, 2005
9:34 pm
emilio pucci, why must you be so expensive yet so BEAUTIFUL? i would trade in my best manolo's (if i had them to start w/) to own one pair of you and your fantastic colors. okay, so maybe not manolo's, but SO TOTALLY the prada's. you hurt me with your silly $600 prices. but wait! here is one for only 340, and it is truly a piece of Italian magic:

ahhhh

and OMG when did arden b become so TRASHY? it's like the store for rich prostitutes! and here is this adorable yellow cable knit sweater from gap but it sucks b/c the girl's NIPPLES are showing! uh, hello, you're a model-- wear a damn bra! cache, look, i ditched you a long time ago but here's some advice-- no more drab colors! and please no UNEVEN HEMS omg!

PS: i HATE BIRKENSTOCKS. they are such a worn out trend-- if one more BA person buys them, they will officially be as un-cool as GIT ER DONE or something stupid like that. no offense or whatever. and if a guy wears birkenstocks, i will point and laugh at you b/c they SUCK on guys.

bruno magli, i HATE YOU and boggle at the fact that you are part of rodeo drive. WTF?! the manolos mock you and your squared-toed monstrosities! your shoes sell for only 85 dollars, laughs the manolos. mine sell for 850 bitches!

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Tuesday, January 18th, 2005
7:19 pm
i wish i could hire someone specifically for the purpose of keeping up with all of my SHIT. geez!

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Sunday, January 16th, 2005
1:15 pm
the world is so CROOKED. I mean, you see these big charities and stuff-- like Relay for Life-- and you give them money because you think maybe you can make a difference. You can help the helpless, you can do one good thing simply b/c you don't think people should suffer, as they do.

And then you find out it doesn't matter, b/c there are people above you that buck the system and STEAL from people-- not just from you but from the people who need it-- and that money you gave didn't make a difference at all. It did absolutely NOTHING b/c of some other heartless person who doesn't care.

that's the thing about good and evil. evil is always in motion, it's always trying to move forward, where good sometimes sits still. We think we're doing good b/c we say "that's evil and we should stop it", but we aren't stopping it. we ignore because it's more convenient that way, b/c it doesn't mess up the happiness in our lives. We aren't always working against evil-- sometimes we're working against indifference.

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Tuesday, January 11th, 2005
6:59 pm
just some things I need to do yay!

TONIGHT
-finish one question on adv govt
-EAT CHINESE FOOD OMG
-study english/accounting while running @ Y
-remember to charge cell

TOMORROW:
-get gas & pick up erika
-take cell phone to telpage
-finish another q for adv govt
-work @ 3:30
-Y @ 8
-study english duh
-take a HOT LONG BATH OMG 4EVER

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